When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
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freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
opening twitter today
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples