@tigersgoroooar: If you want a Christmas card from me, message me your address and pray I die and get reincarnated as someone who gives a shit what you want.
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@mattZillaaaa: Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
@upsidedowntrash: [behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order] me: hey. them: yeah? me: try the coffee.
@distracdad: *boarding helicopter to Jurassic World* Pilot: Why do you guys keep going back there?
@FeralCrone: “Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”