doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”