“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
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The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant