@omgthatspunny
@TheAlexNevil
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
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@TheAlexNevil
@LaraDodds
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
@ilovepie84
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
@AristotlesNZ
“How many people work at your company?”
About half of them.
@notacroc
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
@junejuly12
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
@yaboyblue357
Idiot: ” Those tattoos are going to look awful when you’re older.”
Me: ” Well, you look awful now, so….”
@LADaddy
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
@batkaren
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
@flashember
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh