@omgthatspunny
@iRowlf
A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you “Notice anything different about my hair?”
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@iRowlf
@PaperWash
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
@AndLookPretty
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
@GamerPres2020
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
@skitzoette
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
@SteveSuckington
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
@iamburtjarvis
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
@withanewname
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
@JermHimselfish
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
@BoogTweets
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.