There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
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60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
🙄😏😂🤣
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
how high up are we talkin’?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”