If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

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I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.


I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”


Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in


You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.


Idiot: ” Those tattoos are going to look awful when you’re older.”

Me: ” Well, you look awful now, so….”


The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.


“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”


[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh