How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.