@ellorysmith

if you want a really scary story I once dated a man who, anytime I said an interesting fact about something, would sincerely and genuinely respond with “wait , did I tell you that?”

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@NewDadNotes

[spelling bee]

Judge: your word is cartograph

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Judge: the world cartograph has seven seas

Me: C-C-C-C-C-C-C-A-R-T-O-G-R-A-P-H

@sip_at_home_mom

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

@LoriLuvsShoes

I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write “wash me” on her face

@KKAlThani

“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people

@jordan_stratton

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

@Laser_Cat

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

@Humor_Fetish

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

@iscoff

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

@meganamram

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

@mrjohndarby

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t