I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
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Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
not to brag, but mine was free
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop: