Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
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When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
“How’s your day going?”
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.