I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
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[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.