[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
You Might Also Like
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Bill is short for Billiam
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.