[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
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I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
That’s what I call a flat tire
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.