*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
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Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: “Who’s that next to you?”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Primary cause of death: Eaten
Primary cause of death: Eating
Here’s an olive branch. Please choke on it.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Me: Seriously? You forgot already??