The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
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ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
19: Okay mom, don’t freak out but…
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
[email protected] i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”