If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

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*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*


Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: “Who’s that next to you?”


*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!


[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

Primary cause of death: Eating


*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]


Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I donโ€™t like this.