If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..


ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that


One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is


The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.


DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium


PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread