@chicnlil1
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
@SomthinBoutSara
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
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@chicnlil1
@PleaseBeGneiss
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
@whereami18
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
@kwirkyKerri
19: Okay mom, don’t freak out but…
TOO LATE
@RodLacroix
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
@jordan_stratton
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
@chuuew
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
@Brampersandon_
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
@dubstep4dads
[email protected] i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
@JohnLyonTweets
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”