@SomthinBoutSara

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

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@chicnlil1

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

@RodLacroix

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

@jordan_stratton

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

@chuuew

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

@Brampersandon_

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread