If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
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[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
So glad we cleared that up
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.