If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple

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If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.


*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals


I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.


My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.


I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice


My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo.

So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!


pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere


you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.


Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable



“Two long necks please”

Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-

Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down