If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple

You Might Also Like


Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”


If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone


Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.


Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!


Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.


As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.


which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose


8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.


[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”