If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
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For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
there has never been a better use of this meme
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.