@House_Feminist

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

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@Bownuggets

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

@PrisonCookies

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

@ShootyDoody

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

@AmishPornStar1

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

@Discourt

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

@themessednest

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

@funflaps

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

@mommajessiec

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

@3sunzzz

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”