If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
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Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
The game has officially changed 😎