“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
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asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
nobody’s gonna understand
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”