The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
If you want the truth, ask a child.
If you want some bullshit, ask an adult.
If you want to end up in jail, ask your friends on Twitter.
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[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.