If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
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I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.