Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
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The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
when someone rings the doorbell
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall