Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
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Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
A family that plays together cheats.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
God has left this place