@j0eg0d

If you want to drink and drive you better bring enough for the whole highway.

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@Dawn_M_

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

@loribuckmajor

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

@Parkerlawyer

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

@FunnyBison

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

@peachgrenade

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

@HallpassCanada

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

@dumbbeezie

Naked and Afraid but it’s just you in someone else’s bathroom with a toilet that won’t flush

@KeetPotato

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

@JohnLyonTweets

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.