If you want to drink and drive you better bring enough for the whole highway.

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Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.


Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.


Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?


I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”


It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.


Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.


Naked and Afraid but it’s just you in someone else’s bathroom with a toilet that won’t flush


[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]


Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.