@pippydrydocking

If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.

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@kuusela34

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

@Kerfuckus

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

@Home_Halfway

“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work

@Tbone7219

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

@TheAlexNevil

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

@ojedge

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

@TrashCave

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

@KeetPotato

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

@JanineEB4

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

@Jagershot901

Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.