If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.

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I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids


Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.


“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work


I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids


*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.


[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”


2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.


priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
priest: [slowly closes bible]


This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!


Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.