I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.
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Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it
goat: Hit me again.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.