Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
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CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice