If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

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Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]


God: you weren’t supposed to see that.


*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00


I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.


Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.




“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”


“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken


[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car