Oh my god y’all this guy i used to talk to made me a playlist like a year ago called “for syd” and i have had it saved to my spotify library since and i just saw it for the first time in months and it’s called “for bailey”
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
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him, on one knee: will you marry me
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Freedom of expression is great… I can make a kissy face, smiley face or a frowny face, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*
HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”