If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

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God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out


Any room can be a panic room when your dog brings a live armadillo into the house.


*getting murdered*

*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.


You sneeze more than 5 times in a row and I’m gonna start performing an exorcism.


If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:


We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.


*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*







-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house


Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.