If you want to hide a gift for your husband, just put it in the pantry with one thing in front of it.

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Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually


Today’s tantrum is brought to you by:

He’s itchy but won’t tell me where

The toy that doesn’t take batteries is apparently out of batteries

I wouldn’t let him eat a tampon

The fish have to stay in the fish tank

His milk was too cold and also wasn’t eggnog


No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.


Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?


The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.


Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.


Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.


cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*


*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!