@awescar

If you want to hide a gift for your husband, just put it in the pantry with one thing in front of it.

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@yoyoha

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

@VisionBored1

Today’s tantrum is brought to you by:

He’s itchy but won’t tell me where

The toy that doesn’t take batteries is apparently out of batteries

I wouldn’t let him eat a tampon

The fish have to stay in the fish tank

His milk was too cold and also wasn’t eggnog

@simoncholland

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

@ronnui_

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

@DamienFahey

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

@WildeThingy

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

@squirrel74wkgn

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

@djdarrellripley

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!