@tigersgoroooar Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
@shwebby2 If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German
You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!
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@tigersgoroooar 
@TylerLinkin I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
@Shade510 Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
@TheBeerGuy_ *connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
@theshantilly 9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
@Sarcasticsapien Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
@jessokfine I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
@Kids_kubed Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
@Jenny4ashley Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
@SadMeterologist Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.