If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German

You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!

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Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”


I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!


9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.


I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.


Me: Go get everyone for dinner please


Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice


6: The screaming

Me: I got it


Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?


Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.