@jwoodham
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
@shwebby2
If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German
You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!
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@jwoodham
@theshamingofjay
Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.
@Manda_like_wine
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
@AmericanGent69
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
@HatfieldAnne
I feel like movies exaggerate menβs enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
@DionneMcNutt
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
@OMGSoOverIt
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
@clindsaysway
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
@MollyCocktail
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.