Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German
You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!
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I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.