@shwebby2

If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German

You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!

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@tigersgoroooar

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

@TylerLinkin

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

@theshantilly

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

@jessokfine

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

@Kids_kubed

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

@Jenny4ashley

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

@SadMeterologist

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.