@shwebby2

If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German

You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!

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@jwoodham

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

@theshamingofjay

Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.

@Manda_like_wine

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

@HatfieldAnne

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

@DionneMcNutt

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

@clindsaysway

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

@MollyCocktail

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.