If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
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I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I would like even faster food.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher