@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

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@chiekshere

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

@Cpin42

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

@brennadine

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

@UnFitz

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

@Miniwheats2012

Oh ya, let’s sit down and talk about it!

*That’s how I end and win any argument with hubby.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to say “It wasn’t my fault” without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault

@evilmallelis

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

@LegoGodzilla

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

@Jack_C44

Hello couchness my old friend
I’ve come to sleep on you again
Because a wife softly seething
Hates the fact that I’m breathing