If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

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[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]


Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL


How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin


Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?


Oh ya, let’s sit down and talk about it!

*That’s how I end and win any argument with hubby.


Just for once I wanna be able to say “It wasn’t my fault” without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault


things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves


Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.


Hello couchness my old friend
I’ve come to sleep on you again
Because a wife softly seething
Hates the fact that I’m breathing