@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

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@ramblinma

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

@AristotlesNZ

My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he’s always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.

@capricecrane

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

@FatherWithTwins

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

@jackmackenroth

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

@10InchesPlus

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

@mynameisntdave

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.