When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?
My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he’s always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi?
Ma’am, that’s a crockpot.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?