If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
“What?”
– Jude
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴