If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
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Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I’ll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list
Why do pretty faces happen to bad people?
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct