@JoParkerBear

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

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@yoyoha

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

@ZaraEatWorld

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

@Book_Krazy

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

@MaidOfBeans

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

@BeTheCookie

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

@jordan_stratton

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

@Cpin42

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

@AristotlesNZ

My stalker sucks. She needs to try harder. I always have to keep going & finding her. It’s like I’m following HER around. It’s ridiculous.