If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law


The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …


Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?


911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.


Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.


Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.


COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.


Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.


My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.


My stalker sucks. She needs to try harder. I always have to keep going & finding her. It’s like I’m following HER around. It’s ridiculous.