If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
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When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Not recommended for beginners.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Straight people are cancelled
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits