If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
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When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
5 ways to appear taller
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”