dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
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“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.