Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

The Others (2001)

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

I am, perchance

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.