@trevso_electric

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

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@ArfMeasures

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

@david8hughes

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

@AntDiPalma

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

@TastyTuneTweets

I’m going door-to-door to promote my new gym. It’s called “Jehovah’s Fitness”

@jakob_huber

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

@Staggfilms

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

@TitaniumToplass

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

@Parkerlawyer

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

@pizzabottle

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.