If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

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[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me


[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy


A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.


I’m going door-to-door to promote my new gym. It’s called “Jehovah’s Fitness”


Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.


[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.


The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.


India’s tiger population is up 30%!


My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.


Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.