If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
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My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
🤣
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Milk Cube
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Jupiter
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.