If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
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In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
What the dentist sees
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
when someone compliments me
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are