If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
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ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Bringing home a sharpie