“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
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Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Breaking news:
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”