If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
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RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/