If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
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*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]