If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
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I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
how was your vacation
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
<—- homeless romantic
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”