An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
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The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I support this random dude and all his protests
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course