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Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere