If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
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Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Breaking news:
Bro what is this
guys i’ve cracked the code
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison