If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
So sick of all these stupid rules
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me