if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
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me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
#NoRestForTheWicked
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
me and my fake scenarios
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”