If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
just left a huge legacy in there
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.