If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
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SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”