If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
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Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Does it…does it take 3 days
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.