If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
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Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.