@_elvishpresley_

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

- @_elvishpresley_

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@Rollmaninoz

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

@TheAlexNevil

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

@claire_mudie

If by “flexible” you mean “can I get my foot behind my head?” then yes, I am.

If you mean “can I get my foot back down?” then no, I am not.

@UncleDuke1969

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

@XplodingUnicorn

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

@simoncholland

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

@psybermonkey

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

@MattOswaltVA

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

@SouthernCharmSD

“Oh wow, that’s a lot of dishes to ignore,” I say to myself as I walk past the sink.