If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
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*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
im all 3
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.