*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
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Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.
A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.