@B1gBrainsMcGee

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

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@stephenjmolloy

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

@Chhapiness

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

@UncleDuke1969

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

@Donna_McCoy

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

@OldUncleDaveO

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

@jergarl

I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.

@AntiJokeTyrone

A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby

@LolaFaglana

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

@Darlainky

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

@ClassicMegan

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.