If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
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Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this