If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.

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“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”


I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*


Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?


joe : you pin his arms and i’ll-
barack : ….
barack : no joe
joe : it’ll be so easy come o-
barack : i said no


An idea only achieves transcendence after it is:

1. Published as book
2. Made into a feature film
3. Turned into an amusement park ride


85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.


Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the baby catapult minutes before he was arrested


1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible


This Xanax script says I should take one daily as needed but I’m pretty sure they meant per child so, including the dogs, that makes five.


My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time