@TFriss

If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.

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@Book_Krazy

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

@platinum2000

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

@brianbowman73

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

@rohunsharma__

joe : you pin his arms and i’ll-
barack : ….
barack : no joe
joe : it’ll be so easy come o-
barack : i said no

@librarianfonz

An idea only achieves transcendence after it is:

1. Published as book
2. Made into a feature film
3. Turned into an amusement park ride

@amydillon

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

@abbycohenwl

Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the baby catapult minutes before he was arrested

@dave_cactus

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

@bobbiejo448

This Xanax script says I should take one daily as needed but I’m pretty sure they meant per child so, including the dogs, that makes five.

@Shenanigans_luv

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time