@senorwinces

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

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@Staggfilms

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

@trevso_electric

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

@AnnietheNanny1

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

@thenatewolf

A lot of the classic “cool” behaviors are pretty much just acting like a cat.

@Home_Halfway

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

@holy_schnitt

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

@SucculentPizza

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

@stephenjmolloy

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

@Real_Countress

Let me be clear, I chase no one!!!

*5 min later. Chasing the ice cream truck down the street